No One is Listening: A 10,000 Word Essay About Why I'm a Britney Spears Fan

*Disclaimer: This essay was written and released prior to the publication of Britney’s book, The Woman in Me, in October 2023. This essay was originally self-published on April 11, 2023.

Prologue

When I started writing this, I was mad. 

It all started when I was 16-years-old and I promised myself that one day, I would write a 10,000-word essay about why I am a Britney Spears fan. Originally, 10,000 was an arbitrary number that I kept telling myself was necessary in order to get my point across. Little did I know that I had a lot more to say than that. I felt called to write this essay after repeatedly being questioned about why I'm such a fan of Britney’s. Having been a diehard Britney fan for more than half my life now, I’ve harbored this longing for the world to see her the way I do, to recognize the pure spirit that I, and the many other members of the Britney Army around the world, see in her – and I was determined to use 10,000 words to do it.  But like most of my dreams, it took me a long time to put thought into action. 

For six years, I moved at a glacial speed to bring this dream to life. Along the way, I was met with obstacles, most of which I created for myself, be it lack of confidence, self-belief and massive insecurity about if people would say I’m crazy for taking on such a task. After all, no one asked for this. As a writer, it’s my job to tell other people’s stories, and this time, I’m not doing it for anyone else – it’s for me. 

Since I started writing this essay, Britney has been freed from a 13-year-long conservatorship, which she accomplished by using the power of her own voice. In doing so, it was like a wake-up call to a culture that has constantly demeaned her. The public that once took pleasure in watching her suffer has finally started listening to her, as I always hoped it would. This led me to believe that this piece was no longer needed. So once again, I stopped myself, and tucked this dream away. But I kept being called back to it – for I realized that this essay is about something much deeper.

“There have been so many times when I was scared to speak up because I was afraid somebody would think I was crazy. But I’ve learned that lesson now, the hard way. You have to speak the thing that you’re feeling, even if it scares you. You have to tell your story. You have to raise your voice.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

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It’s nighttime. There’s a towel wrapped around me, absorbing the droplets of water off my body from the shower. I come down the stairs to find my mom having a medical episode. She’s been sick for months now. She’s been unable to work as a teacher, the job her soul was born to do, as she’s in and out of doctor’s offices, desperate for any answers about what poisonous entities have taken over her body. But on this particular night, things have taken a turn for the worse. She’s pale, her skin as white as a ghost. By the time I get downstairs, my father has already called an ambulance. The towel is the only shield between my naked body and my mother as I cling to her, screaming as tears stream down my face as I watched her get loaded onto a stretcher and lifted into an ambulance, unsure of what her fate would be. Thankfully, she made it through and soon returned home, taking matters into her own hands.  Since the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her, she pointed her relentless work ethic toward a new purpose – healing herself. 

She spent months researching her symptoms, discovering that she had a life-threatening combination of Lyme disease, mercury poisoning and Guillain-Barre syndrome, the latter of which is a rare condition where the immune system attacks the nervous system. Every day, she battled unrelenting dizziness and other uncomfortable side effects that deprived her of sleep, constantly researching how to cure herself through homeopathic remedies such as acupuncture, juicing, sauna detoxing, transitioning to an all-organic diet, hand-pressing her own wheatgrass juice, taking holistic blends like Super Tonic and much more – years before all of this trendy. Since my brother was repulsed by the smell of wheatgrass, my mother was kind enough to take her operation onto our front porch. It was always dark out as I watched her churn her daily wheatgrass juice in the early morning hours before we went to school.

Over time, her body healed and her symptoms subsided. In the span of a few years, she went from nearly dying to being the picture of health, her unwavering constitution and mental resiliency saving her life.

A massive spotlight, the kind police use in a search and rescue mission, is scanning above a compound. The massive size of the spotlight captures the chaos as a woman in black is strapped to a gurney being lifted into the back of an ambulance. A hoard of paparazzi with their camera lenses stapled to the window of the back of the ambulance, literally chase the vehicle on foot as it pulls out of the driveway and down the street. I watch the scene in horror. Full disclosure: I really don’t like watching paparazzi videos since they are a gross invasion of privacy, but I happened to come across this disturbing video of when Britney was rushed to the hospital. I could not believe that people could be that vulturous in a time of crisis just to make a profit. 

Seeing that video immediately brought me back to the night when I watched my mother be taken away in an ambulance. It made think that if there had been a group of people taking photos – their lights flashing in her face with a helicopter flying overhead beaming a giant spotlight down on the whole scene – how that would’ve added immensely to the trauma. It showed me the serious lack of empathy that existed for Britney at the time and how purely wrong it was. I watched this and thought “this is no way to treat a human being.”

My mother has always been the strongest, most selfless human being I’ve ever known. She was born with perseverance in her blood, and I feel the same way about Britney. I have deep admiration for my mother and the way her undying strength and pure heart has carried her through her darkest times, and the same is true for Britney. 

“I realized how powerful it can be when women defy expectations…It was as if I had forgotten that I was a powerful woman.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

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The year is 2008 and I’m not a Britney fan – at all. She had just come out of what was publicly deemed as a mental breakdown – videos and images of her seemingly chaotic life plastered on our screens, projecting her as an unstable person who had dramatically fallen from grace. She was a national punching bag, a constant source of public ridicule. To be honest, that’s how I viewed her too at that time. It was Friday, December 5, three days after Britney’s 27th birthday that she celebrated with the release of her personal documentary, Britney: For the Record, and a performance on Good Morning America in support of her new album, Circus. 

I was at my best friend Liz’s house after school when she very affirmatively announced that we were going to watch Britney: For the Record. I was completely disinterested in this idea. “The last thing I want to do is watch a documentary about Britney Spears,” I thought to myself. But Liz seemed so adamant about it that I figured there was no getting out of it. I think fate intervened that day and I was meant to be at Liz’s house for a reason, for by the end of the documentary, my perception of Britney had drastically changed. 

What struck me about Britney while watching For the Record was her honesty. Over the course of 90 minutes, she openly shared insight into the most tumultuous time in her life. She spoke with such clear-headedness and focus – the exact opposite of how she was being portrayed in the media. I admired her vulnerability in sharing what she was thinking and feeling during those dark moments. “I had let certain people into my life that were just bad people, and I was very guarded at first, but then I went to a point where I ended up letting them in because I was lonely,” she said with sincerity. “And I really paid the consequences for that, big time.” 

But the part that truly touched my heart is when Britney spoke about feeling like no one was listening to her:

To this day, hearing the sadness in Britney’s voice and watching her cry makes me as emotional as it did the first time I saw it. It was then that my empathy for her started to grow and brought me to the realization I should have known all along: Britney Spears is a human being. From a young age, Britney’s star power had proven to burn so bright that I think we collectively forgot that she is a person just like the rest of us.

Have you ever had a moment when you realized you formed a deep connection with someone, but couldn’t explain how or why? That’s how I felt when I watched Britney: For the Record for the first time. In using her voice and sharing her truth, Britney made me a fan of her’s again, impacting my life forever. 

“Singing is magic. When I sing, I own who I am. I can communicate purely.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me 

Shout out to Liz’s mom for also recording Britney’s performance on Good Morning America, which we watched after the documentary. She opened the set with “Circus,” which instantly became my new favorite song. There was something so enchanting about the energy she exuded to the point where I thought to myself “whatever she’s doing, I’m all in,” solidifying me as a forever fan. I then started habitually researching her past videos, interviews, concert footage and any other Britney-related content I could get my hands on. Every day after school, I would go online and check out all the Britney fansites, scouring for updates. I was so curious about who Britney was and what fellow fans thought about her. I couldn’t get enough. 

Through this research, I discovered that there’s so much more to Britney than the manmade image of her in the media. She seemed like a genuinely sweet person, who despite being met with relentless criticism, never responded with hate or tried to bring anyone down. In many TV interviews, I observed a shy young woman who spoke so softly and gently that she seemed like a precious baby deer. As a young woman myself watching these interviews where Britney is repeatedly being asked shallow and oftentimes inappropriate questions, my empathy for her only grew. I wondered how it felt to be in her position and how this disregard for her privacy affected her. Moreso, I was impressed with her composure in those circumstances and there’s a pure light in her that shines through that makes me proud to be her fan.

“I have a huge amount of respect for Britney Spears. I’ve always said this, and I always will continue to say it: She was the one big, big celebrity that I met when I was starting to work in Hollywood who literally was humble and whatever was going on in her mind or in her world, it was never about hating her neighbor. She was the only pop star at that time, and I can name a lot of prominent figures right now, that today are more famous than Britney, that literally got to where they’re at by hating on Britney a lot because it was ‘cool’ at one time to really just diss her, and Britney never did that. And yeah she had the biggest fanbase, and I do believe people and children gravitate to good energy, and she’s definitely an abundance of that.” – Zoe Saldana in 2014, taking about working with Britney on Crossroads 

Britney has been called every iteration of “crazy” since the start of her career, whether being labeled as a “slut,” “blow-up doll personality,” “train wreck,” “braindead” and many other derogatory terms that would show up in a review or in the comment section on a story about her. My teenage self was absorbing all of this language and couldn’t understand why people were so aggressive toward someone who seemed so angelic to me. The way Britney was being portrayed in the press wasn’t lining up with how I saw her, which kept the spark of my curiosity burning. 

Her voice came through full-force again during her public testimony in court on June 25, 2021 when she spoke clearly and effectively about what she had endured while in the conservatorship. While there were many moments that struck me, the part that impacted me the most was when she said, “I feel ganged up on and I feel bullied and I feel left out and alone…and I’m tired of feeling alone.” Hearing her say this brought tears to my eyes. I could feel the pain in her voice and it made me believe every word she was saying. Britney spoke with confidence and conviction in a way I hadn’t heard from her before. It called back to the clear-headed, focused woman I saw in Britney: For the Record, except this time, no one was editing her. I listened to this thinking, “this is what Britney Spears sounds like.”

“I think it’s crucial for my heart and my head to be able to speak openly about it as if anybody else would.” – Britney Spears

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There’s darkness covering every inch of my peripheral. I’m sitting crouched down, feeling the touch of the wood of the swinging door in front of me that’s so close, all I’d have to do is slightly reach out my hand to touch it. The only possible source of light is the faux stained glass windows at the top of the door, the light begging to shine through, but to no avail. 

I don’t remember exactly how we ended up in that coat closet, except for the faint memory of playing a group game of hide and go seek and he suggested that we hide in the closet together. In the darkness, I feel his hand reach into my underwear and start stroking, creating a tingling sensation my elementary-school aged self had never felt before. Upon request, I returned the gesture, reaching into his pants, my hand making contact with flesh, as if I was interacting with a new piece of machinery. We returned to that coat closet several times to the point where I started asking for it, that tingling sensation dangerously flirting the line of sinful and pleasurable. 

Even though he was also a minor and we weren’t that far apart in age, I knew what was happening was wrong, and I had to tell the person in the world I trusted the most. The overhead lights were disorientingly bright they were almost blinding as my little feet shuffled down the hallway to my mother’s classroom, engulfed in a sterile haze on the journey that was only a few steps, but felt like an eternity. I almost choked on the words that I knew I had to get out. “*John and I touched each other’s privates,” is the only thing I remember saying as I looked up at my mother’s face. Now, all my memory allows me to see after I spoke those words is pure light surrounding me.

“Through the fear, I remembered that there were still things I could hold on to: My desire for people to understand what I’d been through. My faith that all this could change. My belief that I had a right to experience joy. My knowledge that I deserved my freedom. This sense, deeply felt and profound, that the woman in me was still strong enough to fight for what was right.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

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It’s a warm summer evening on Cape Cod. It’s that sweet spot just before sunset when the sun is shining at its peak, glistening down on the vibrant green leaves of the trees below the bright blue sky that meet my gaze every time I look out my bedroom window. My headphones are plugged into the CD player, allowing me to temporarily block out the world as I spin around the room to the sound of Britney’s voice singing "Baby...One More Time," “Born to Make You Happy,” and “You Drive Me Crazy” before using my toy chest as a stage to serenade my audience of stuffed animals with “From the Bottom of My Broken Heart.”

Britney Spears is among my first music memories. I can’t remember when exactly I discovered her music, but I do recall being mystified by her on the cover of the Baby…One More Time album. There was something about her presence that captured my interest. Her expression was warm and inviting, yet she projected a maturity beyond her 17 years that my six-year-old self was curious about. Perhaps it was the result of a really good marketing team or Britney’s undeniable charm (or likely a bit of both), but like most other children in America in 1999, I was obsessed with Britney Spears. I wore that CD out. It didn’t take long for me to become a loyal fan.

I was even more obsessed with Oops! I Did It Again. My walls were plastered with the photos and inserts from the album booklet (I specifically taped the lyrics to “Dear Diary” directly next to my pillow so I could read them every night before I fell asleep). I distinctly remember turning our oft-unused living room into my own personal dance studio where I attempted to recreate the chair choreography from the “Stronger” video (spoiler alert: I was not successful). “Lucky” will forever be my favorite Britney song, the loneliness she sings of still touching my heart as I sing along to the burned CD I have in my car to this day.

“The beauty about what Britney does is you get celebrities all the time that take up a cause…you don’t see them really that involved. But Britney understands. She’s taken the time to understand who we are and what we do and why we do it. And even more importantly, she’s got to meet the kids and the kids adore Britney. I wish the world could see her in that element and how she is with the kids. It’s just so obvious that she loves them and wants to help them.” – Jeff Gordon, president and CEO of the Nevada Childhood Cancer Foundation about Britney donating $1 from every ticket of her Las Vegas residency to the Foundation

But despite the joy she brought into my life, my admiration for Britney would soon fade.

I was eight-years-old when the video for “I’m a Slave 4 U” came out. On the one hand, it was cool and edgy – no one gives an eye of the tiger look at the camera quite as fiercely as Britney Spears. But at the same time, my eight-year-old self wasn’t mature enough to handle the risqué nature. Let’s not forget the immense backlash the video received, particularly from the Parent’s Association of America who called Britney  “irresponsible” and a bad role model to young girls. It was this type of criticism that began to reshape how I felt about her. It was the beginning of the end of my love for Britney.

“I’ve always been almost disturbingly empathic.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

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It’s freshman year English class. I’m sitting dead center in the outer row of desks organized in a “U” shape in a room full of 20 or more fellow 15-year-olds. There’s this nervous energy building up inside of me, as if I’d drank too much caffeine, even though I hadn’t had a drop. I hear the voices of my peers speaking one by one in response to a prompt about a book we were reading, which one, I can’t recall. The voices are getting closer and closer to me, the tension inside getting stronger each time a voice approaches. It feels like the walls are closing in around me when suddenly, there’s blackness. It feels like I’m free falling into a wide open abyss where there’s nowhere to land. I hear myself shouting, “I’m really dizzy and I feel like I’m about to pass out.” I came to seconds later, opening my eyes to see several faces staring directly at me, the room engulfed in silence. Physically, I feel fine, as if the overwhelming pressure I had just felt was merely a figment of my imagination. 

As I walked out of the classroom and down to the nurse’s office at the teacher’s request, bright white, sterile lights buzzed from the ceiling as I made the lonely pilgrimage down the hall. I felt a deep sense of embarrassment and shame about the fact that I couldn’t put words to what I’d just experienced. I’d spoken in front of the class many times before and it didn’t bother me, so why was it happening now?  I had lost control of my body, and mind, and I didn’t know how or why it happened.

I don’t remember if I passed anyone in the hallway, but even if I had, it felt like if I were to speak, no one would be able to hear me. It was as if my voice would be lost in that imaginary abyss that had just consumed me. From that moment forward, I lived in constant fear that I would experience another episode. Anxiety was like a new appendage on my body. I didn’t choose it, but it was part of me now, and I let it control my life. I went to bed every night plagued with worry that the next day I would wake up to the same fate I had in English class, that I was one second away from another panic attack that would steal another piece of my voice.

“I wanted to hide, but I also wanted to be seen. Both things could be true…There is so much freedom in being anonymous.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

Each time I made it through a class, a public presentation, or even just saying a sentence out loud in front of people, was a mini victory for me. I would breathe a small sigh of relief at the end of each day when I didn’t experience a panic attack, that brief moment of celebration always followed by a wave of fear that tomorrow, I might not be so lucky. The fear of having anxiety was far more present and mentally taxing than the attacks themselves. But Britney was my escape from all of that. Her music became a sanctuary for me. Almost ritualistically, I listened to her music every night when I was in high school, dancing away the stress and intense weight in my mind. “Circus” became my anthem that I played on repeat, hoping that some of Britney’s confidence would rub off on me. I felt powerful listening to that song. 

I know almost every single word to every song on Circus, and it’s only one of three albums I’ve listened to in my whole life that I can recite by heart (the other two being Britney’s last album, Glory, and Kacey Musgraves’ masterpiece Golden Hour). Plus, I was going back through Britney’s catalog and the more I explored her past records, the more I discovered how many Britney songs I actually loved. There’s something about the fire and energy of a Britney song that makes it feel euphoric (after all, we are both Fire signs, she’s a Sagittarius and I’m an Aries). The energy I drained into anxiety, I regained while listening to Britney.  

I think part of the reason I connect to Britney’s music so much is the power and confidence that’s infused into it. “Circus” truly captures Britney’s essence, and it came into my life when I needed it most.

Britney will always be the ringleader of her life, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it. I think subconsciously, I connected to that feeling of being in control of my own power, even though I was so far removed from it at the time. That song was meant to have her voice on it and it will always be the song that brought Britney back into my life.

“We have a connection, no matter where we are in space. Even if you’re on the other side of the country or the world, on some level we’re bound up together…What do we have except our connections to one another? And what stronger bond is there than music?” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

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I will never forget the first time I saw Britney Spears in concert. It was one of the greatest nights of my life. It was now 2009 and Britney was traveling the world on her Circus Tour. Being in full-blown-Britney-obsessed mode, Liz and I had to see this show. I went online every single day looking for tickets. They say you’re not supposed to share what you wish for when blowing out the candles on your birthday cake, but since we’re past the statue of limitations, I think it’s safe to say that when I blew out the candles on my 16th birthday, I wished to see Britney in concert. Thankfully, that wish came true. There was a chance we may not have gone, on account of the fact that I am also a diehard Gilmore Girls fan and really wanted to see Lauren Graham on Broadway when she was in Guys and Dolls. But when my mom said I had to choose between one or the other, I knew I had to pick Britney (sorry Lauren, I still love you!) 

This was a truly defining moment for Britney. After all she had been through in the past few years, I felt it was my duty as a fan to be in the audience cheering her on. After she released the song and album that solidified me as a fan. After she bore her heart in Britney: For the Record that allowed me to see her for the human she is. After she proved how truly unbreakable she is. All of this added to the importance of us showing up and being present for her.

This wasn’t just a concert – Liz and I made it an experience. The day before the show felt like Christmas Eve. I went to Liz’s house and we made homemade tank tops, ironing on a photo from the Circus album to wear to the show (I still have it hanging in my closet, even though it’s yellowed with time). There’s a level of excitement I feel at a Britney show that doesn’t compare to anything else. It’s hard to put into words the overwhelming awe I felt hearing the deafening screams as Britney descended from the rafters in a glittering orb wearing her fierce ringleader outfit. 

That sense of awe and wonder never left in the best 90 minutes of my existence –  whether she was suspended in the air dancing over a ring of fire during “I’m a Slave 4 U” or magically appearing inside a box at the start of “Ooh Ooh Baby” and surrounded by a wall of sparks during the “Womanizer” finale – just to name a few memorable moments. She was in motion for nearly the entire show and no two performances were the same. I even thought to myself at one point, “Britney Spears and I are breathing the same air.” I couldn’t fully process that the woman whose songs and videos had become such an important part of my life was actually in my presence.

It was such a special memory, dancing the night away with Liz and my cousin Jacquie. I had never seen a spectacle like this and Britney was at the center of it, commanding my full attention. For 10 years straight, I’d text Liz every year on May 2 to celebrate the anniversary of the first time we saw Britney in concert, reminiscing on that unforgettable night. 

“She’s special…She really isn’t the puppet that people make her out to be. She has an opinion.” – Keri Hilson, co-writer and co-producer on Blackout

“Throughout the whole process, she was very present, attentive and interactive. She was one of the easiest people to get things done with…You would know how she felt about a song by pure body language, she didn’t have to say anything. She would still be nailing the lyrics and the melody, but she would be in there really dancing. You hear stories of Michael Jackson doing full-on choreography while recording some of his songs and it was the same thing with her.” – Producer Danja, on working with Britney on Blackout

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Britney was a consistent source of joy and refuge for me throughout my battle with anxiety in high school, a joy I got to translate through the written word. One of my biggest goals in high school was to be on the student newspaper. I was so eager to join that I went to see the journalism teacher when I was a freshman to ask if I could join early, knowing full well you had to be a sophomore to be accepted. But like with most opportunities in life, I had to wait my turn. I had always loved to write, a passion I started expressing in kindergarten when I would write really cheesy short stories and poems about nature and friendship and such (clearly, not much has changed). My experience on the newspaper solidified my desire to make writing a career. It’s where I discovered a love of interviewing and asking questions to get to know who someone truly is. It’s also where I experienced another one of my defining Britney moments.

Even though I was telling pretty much everyone I came in contact with that I had seen Britney Spears in concert, I also felt compelled to write about it. During a new student’s first semester on the paper, all they’re supposed to do is watch and learn the process of how the paper operates. But there was this burning desire inside of me to write about Britney’s show. I made my case to the Arts/Entertainment team about how much I love Britney and what the show meant to me, and they graciously agreed to let me submit a review for consideration. 

Seeing as this was the first article I’d ever written, I was so nervous about how it would be received. I felt such a sense of gratitude when my editor Alison came up to me after reading the first draft and said “this is really good” and confirmed they were going to publish it. This was the first time I heard someone say that my writing was good in a journalistic context, offering a glimmer of hope that maybe I could be a professional writer in the real world. 

Seeing my words in print for the first time was such a rewarding feeling, as if they were coming to life on the page. I read the story over and over, re-living that magical night and all the special memories that came with it. Britney’s power onstage moved me to the point where I had to tell anyone who would listen (or read) about it. I literally used the phrase “praise-worthy hair flipping” to describe the way she was dancing in a cage during “Piece of Me,” and even though my teacher at the time smirked at such a ridiculous statement, I still stand by it. It was such a special experience and I wanted people to feel like they were right there with me. I also remember someone saying that my review wasn’t critical enough, as I only focused on what I liked about the show. As a fan, I felt it was my duty to cast her in the positive light she deserves. Having read so many reviews that picked Britney and the production apart, I wanted to uplift her with my words.

One of the most vital ways of finding your voice is speaking your truth, another valuable lesson instilled in me through being a part of the student newspaper. As journalists, our purpose is to find the truth, which sometimes requires asking tough, potentially uncomfortable questions. But an integral part of getting to the truth is gaining the trust of the person you’re interviewing, and that requires empathy and curiosity. That’s something that Britney taught me, particularly while watching her interview with Diane Sawyer in 2003.

This nearly 40-minute interview felt more like an interrogation as Sawyer peppered her with questions like:

As a fan, this interview is infuriating to watch, but as a journalist, it’s eye-opening. The whole interview reeks of bias and there’s an accusatory tone that runs throughout. It felt like Sawyer was trying to prove to the part of the public who disdained Britney that they were right to do so. I hope I never make someone feel the way Britney did in this interview and watching this has impacted how I approach the art of reporting. 

When someone shares their story with you, it’s a gift, and I believe it’s our job as writers to take care of the story as best we can. Britney taught me that it’s important to approach an interview with empathy and to truly listen to the person who is sharing their voice with you.

“I think producing and making music…I got the fire back in my eyes. Things started kind of taking a turn because I started getting more confidence just in myself…I think with confidence comes enlightenment, which makes you think better and that’s the last thing they wanted me to do was to actually be better because who would be in control then?” – Britney in 2022, on making her 2016 album Glory

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It’s a hot summer evening in Nashville, Tennessee. The fireflies are dancing all around us, lighting up the night sky. The two of us sit across from one another at a round table on the deck that extends out into the trees, almost as if we’re sitting in a hidden treehouse. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I speak out loud the insecurities I’ve been holding in. “I’m not pretty enough.” “I’m ugly.” “He only sees me as just a friend.” “I’m going to die a virgin.” I was really convinced about that last one. When I wrote this, I was a 30-year-old virgin, which is something that I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment about.

Shame about the fact that I’d gotten this far in my life having not had these basic experiences that most people (seemingly) have during adolescence or young adulthood. Shame feels like I’m hiding in my own body. I’ve always thought of it like I’m stumbling around in a dark room, desperately trying to find the light switch. Being a virgin well into adulthood felt like this dirty little secret I’d been holding on to, like a flower whose petals refused to see the sun, afraid that I’d never bloom. I kept missing the deadlines I put on myself to make it happen, and the deeper I got into my 20s, so did the fear that it was never going to happen for me, an experience that’s always just out of reach.

That shame came through in a conversation I had with my old roomie/best friend/older sister I always wanted growing up *Marie. It was like she knew I had something I needed to get out, even though I couldn’t voice that yet. It was the first time I actually put a voice to the facets of myself I was self-conscious about, and she created the safe space for me to do that. I hadn’t really talked that vulnerably with anyone at that point in my life. I was 24 and didn’t want to wonder anymore about what it would be like to be physically intimate with somebody – I wanted to know.

Walking into that conversation, I had no idea what was going to come out. I just felt a sense of peace surrounding us and pure love coming from Marie that allowed me to open up. Looking back now, as much as I wanted to be ready to have that experience then, I just wasn’t. I was using those insecurities as an excuse for the hard, inner healing that I knew I needed to do so that I could be ready.

It’s no secret that sexuality is a dominant part of Britney’s image. It always has been since she strutted down the hallway of a high school in a catholic school girl outfit in the “Baby One More Time” video. As her artistry progressed, her image became more and more sexualized, which I think is where a lot of the unnecessary fervor about her stems from. I’ve learned a lot about confidence from Britney Spears. No matter how harsh the backlash against her was, she still exuded fire and confidence every time she took the stage. I know many people were irate about how she was over-sexualized, but I actually find it inspiring to see a woman comfortable enough in her own skin to show it off. Since she re-entered my life when I was 16, the sexual nature of her image hasn’t really bothered me. In fact, I find it empowering. Most of the time, I’m not looking at the provocative outfit Britney’s wearing onstage, but the way she moves like lighting. I am in awe watching her dance.

It’s really inspiring to see Britney in all facets of her life and career sharing her body openly in a way that I couldn’t for so long. As someone who’s felt uncomfortable in their own skin, it’s really cool to see her be so secure in her own. I think that’s even more true now. Lately, Britney has been making headlines for the topless photos and videos she’s been posting on Instagram. As someone who has struggled with being able to share my body with another person, it’s empowering to see Britney share her body on her own terms. This isn’t just an example of self-expression, but self-love, something that I’m still learning to embrace as I enter my 30s.

“I honestly feel like the weight of the [world] has been on my shoulders…I wanted to see myself in a lighter way…naked…like the way I was born.” – Britney Spears

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My Nashville journey was defined by the women who helped me find my voice along the way, especially those who are fellow writers in the music industry. I owe a debt of gratitude to Annie. She’s the one who opened the door to freelancing for me, generously connecting me with editors at publications that hired me as a first-time freelancer, creating a ripple effect that led to more and more opportunities that have helped me grow as a writer. There’s no one else I’d rather have a heart-to-heart conversation with while driving four hours in the wrong direction, or crash into a tree in a canoe with, than her (both of which are true stories). She unknowingly impacted my life forever with her genuinely kind heart and selfless nature. 

Then there’s Carena, the brilliant mind who would travel to the ends of the world to tell a compelling story (she’s also responsible for editing this piece). Angela is a newer friend, one who quickly established herself as a trustworthy confidant. She’s a badass in so many ways, especially as an editor and writer. Together, we’re a core unit who support each other unconditionally, whether we’re teaming up for interviews on a sweltering hot red carpet or helping each other lift heavy furniture when moving to a new house. These women have shown up for me in some of my most trying moments, the power of our words being one of the binds that holds our unbreakable bond.  

“We need kindness and I will make sure I SPREAD THAT TODAY !!!” – Britney Spears, 2023

Nashville served as a portal of sorts, connecting me to people and opportunities I’d always dreamt of, and others I couldn’t have imagined how much I needed. Blessings & Graitudes was a group started by one of my mentors Becca and her friend Kasi. During the first month of the COVID-19 pandemic, these two women selflessly opened up their friendship to women from across the country who would sign on to this daily Zoom call every morning for a 15-minute reading, blessing and song followed by quiet reflection. My friend Nina was the first person to invite me when she was leading the call one morning. Not entirely sure what I was signing up for, I was so pleasantly surprised by the pure kindness, love and support all of these women expressed not only toward Nina, but to each other, and thought “I can experience this magic every day?” 

I made a silent agreement with myself that I would get up every morning at 9am for this call, knowing that the abundance of joy and inspiration I’d get from it was worth any sleep I’d lose. Blessings & Gratitudes ignited my healing journey. It’s where I spoke about what happened in the coat closet for the first time openly, as all the women on the call created a safe space for me to do that.

“I also think it’s important to have awakenings and challenge ourselves to feel liberated, to be fearless and experience everything the world has to offer.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

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I pull up to a big iron gate on a quiet street that’s lit up in the dark by street lights overhead. After fumbling with the gate code, the iron doors slowly open, welcoming me in. I drive down the winding road where there’s no activity until I pull up to a stately house that’s bustling with cars in the driveway. I walk into the house alone. I’m wandering through the hallways and rooms, realizing there’s not a soul that I know. A nice man with long, hippie-like hair strikes up a conversation with me and we walk into the living room where two of the coolest-dressed men I’d ever seen were stationed at the piano.

They introduced themselves as Claude and Chuck, the former sharing that they were songwriters and artists who recently moved to Nashville and were now a duo called Louis York. Later on that night, I remember walking by the living room and catching a glimpse of Chuck seated at the piano working his magic on the keys while Claude was standing next to him singing his heart out to an intimate, yet captivated audience. Little did I know that moments later, my life was about to change.

Photo courtesy of Ted Crockett

I needed someone to interview for the story I was writing about the event, but since I didn’t know many people at the party, I didn’t feel confident enough to approach anyone directly. I asked the host who would be best to interview. “You need to talk to Claude and Chuck, they’re Grammy-nominated songwriters,” she replied. Being the kind host she was, she ran outside to literally pull them out of the valet line as they were just about to leave. I used that brief interval of time to tuck myself into a small corner in the hallway to get space away from the crowd, very quickly researching the strangers I was about to interview.

As I rapidly scrolled through their Wikipedia pages (I know that sounds lazy, but listen, I was on a time crunch) and saw the expansive list of legendary artists they’ve written and produced for (Michael Jackson, Celine Dion, Rihanna and Bruno Mars to name a few), I froze when I saw “Circus” listed under Claude’s songwriting credits. “No, that can’t be Britney’s ‘Circus,’” I thought. It almost felt like time stopped in that moment, thinking that I was about to interview the person who wrote the song that had a profound effect on my life. 

“Britney’s one of the few artists I’ve worked with who didn’t try to take something that wasn’t hers…If I ever have a song that she likes and another artist wants the same song – Britney will get it. Why? She treats her [writers] and producers with respect and dignity.” – Heather Bright, songwriter and background vocalist on Britney’s 2011 album, Femme Fatale (Fun fact: Claude also wrote “Gasoline” on Femme Fatale) 

I can still see the three of us sitting around the grand circular table in the dining room in this beautiful home, carving out our own little place among the noise. Before we wrapped up the interview, I had to ask the most pressing question. Now, I try not to fangirl during interviews, as it’s unprofessional, but this time, I made an exception. “I’m a huge Britney fan and have to ask – did you write ‘Circus’?” I asked Claude. When he humbly confirmed, I immediately began gushing about my love for Britney and how much the song means to me, Claude affirming that Britney is indeed a “very nice person.” But what he did next is something I’ll always cherish. I shared that Britney is my dream interview, to which he then took the tape recorder off the table and raised it to his lips.

“I don’t know what day or time it is right now, but I’m just saying right now, you’re going to meet and interview Britney,” he said, tears welling up in my eyes as he spoke. “It’s gotta happen,” Chuck kindly added. “Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re in the right places,” Claude encouraged. “I want you to hear this – she’s going to interview Britney Spears one day, I promise.” 

I still have the audio saved on my recorder and it means just as much now as it did the moment he said it. I listen to it every now and then and it makes me cry every time. I’ll never delete it. It’s one of the most special memories of my life, hearing these two brilliant artists affirm one of my ultimate life dreams, especially coming from THE person who was instrumental in creating the song that had such a deep impact on me. It was truly a full-circle moment, one that my younger self would have never thought possible. I felt heard and seen, harkening back to when Alison embraced the words I wrote about Britney as a hopeful 16-year-old.

“Once you start to see yourself that way - as not just someone who exists to make everyone else happy but someone who deserves to make their wishes known - that changes everything.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

Illustration by Carley Haggerty. Courtesy of Weirdo Workshop.

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A few months after we met, I ventured out to Weirdo Workshop, the artist collective Claude and Chuck founded where they were making music as Louis York, in addition to writing and producing music for the all-female trio they had formed, The Shindellas, comprised of three fabulous women Kasi Jones, Stacy Johnson and Tamara Chauniece. As I walked into the yellow house tucked away in the quaint town of Franklin, TN, it felt like I had stepped into a whole new world. It didn’t look like a house or a typical music studio. 

The walls were painted various colors, the plaques of the many hit records between the two of them adorning the walls. Their conference room was covered in dark green wallpaper with a giant wooden table in the center that looked like it had been lifted directly from a Game of Thrones episode. They’d transformed the garage into the “Hot Wiggle,” an intimate rehearsal and performance space complete with a piano, rocking chair, Christmas ornaments strung across the ceiling and posters all over the back wall.

(L-R) Stacy Johnson, Chuck Harmony, Kasi Jones, Claude Kelly, Tamara Chauniece. Courtesy of Weirdo Workshop.

As we walked up the stairs, a plaque with Britney’s face from the Circus album greeted me at the foot of the steps, much to my delight. I was in awe, unable to process the sheer detail and creativity that had been poured into every inch of the house. It was as if the walls were alive, buzzing with innovation. During our conversation, I learned about a new initiative they’d started called Tiny Book Club and I jumped at the opportunity to be a part. 

The first time I attended Tiny Book Club, it became clear that it’s so much deeper than simply talking about a good book. They’ve cultivated a community from all walks of life who gather for meaningful discussions in a safe environment that allows you to show up curious and free to speak your mind. It’s an opportunity to listen and learn from others who may think differently than you. The Workshop is where you’re encouraged to embrace your inner weirdness. It’s blessed me with a community – a “weirdo tribe” if you will.

Tiny Book Club. Courtesy of Weirdo Workshop

It’s where I met Nina, who ran Tiny Book Club and was instrumental in building up this close-knit community. Nina is a beloved friend who’s nickname is “Teapot” for the way she intentionally pours love and wisdom into every person she meets. Nina has a special way of speaking exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it, and I truly treasure our friendship. It’s also where I met Angela, Merita, Heather, Paris, Carley and her husband Jon, and many other friends who bring a smile to my face every time I see them. They’re the kind of people you laugh and dance with no matter where we are, getting as close together as we can in pictures because we cherish each other that much. 

Louis York, The Shindellas and the Weirdo Workshop family is a constant source of positivity in my life. Every time I’m at the Workshop, I smile when I see the plaque for “Circus” hanging above the staircase and think about how excited my high school self would be knowing that all of this was waiting for her.

Of all the songs in the world, Claude just so happened to write the one that helped alter my perception of Britney and brought her back into my life, let alone the fact that we ended up in the same city on the same night at the same event. The magnitude of this is not lost on me. This tribe has served as an integral part of connecting with my voice – and it all started with Britney. 

“I wanted to control my own destiny.” - Britney Spears in her memoir, The Woman in Me

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I’m sitting in the parking lot in my Honda Civic, the darkness penetrated only by the streetlights above. I make my way through the large glass doors where a friendly woman at the reception desk points me in the direction of the room I’m looking for. I’m not surprised when I see a line of people waiting outside the door. It’s taken me weeks to get here, knowing that so many people have been trying to visit. I make my way inside the packed hospice room and find Heather. We hug and she tells me there a few more people ahead of me. I wait my turn in the hallway, taking a seat just outside the door.

As a group of people exit the room, I take the window of opportunity to go in. The room is filled with so many people to the point where there’s hardly any space to walk between them, sheepishly apologizing as I squeeze past everyone to make my way over to the bed to see this beautiful, yet frail woman wearing the round, thick-rimmed glasses I’ve always seen her in. I give her a gentle hug, as if a butterfly were to wrap its wings around you, careful not to squeeze her fragile body too hard. Knowing that there are other people who want to greet her, I make my way to the back of the room. Judging by the sheer volume of people in the room currently, let alone the mass amount of people who’ve been visiting her since she entered hospice in the weeks prior, that this is a woman who has touched a lot of lives in such a heartfelt way that family members, friends new and old, and children she used to babysit who are now grown have come from all across the country to say goodbye. 

Carley. Courtesy of Jon Meade

I haven’t known Carley very long and didn’t spend much time with her outside of Tiny Book Club, but even in those brief moments of time with her, I could feel love radiating from her soul. After about an hour of being in the room, Carley called me over to her bedside. “I have this shirt I want to give you,” she says, handing me a gorgeous floral embroidered blouse, the bright pink fabric adorned with an intricately hand-stitched design of green and yellow flower stems blooming with pretty pink petals. At Carley’s request, I retreat into the bathroom to try it on, replacing my worn, black Weirdo Workshop T-shirt with this delicate piece that’s bursting with color. 

I look at my reflection in the mirror. I’d never worn anything like this and I feel different, beautiful and unique with it on my body. It creates a sense of comfort – just like Carley. I step out of the bathroom to “ooh’s and aah’s.” “I love this shirt,” I said, filled with gratitude for this woman who in her dying moments was still thinking of others and the precious momentos of hers she wanted to give away as gifts, matching the spirit of the item with that of the person she was gifting it to.

Soon, Kasi, Tam, Stacy, Nina and Mike from Weirdo Workshop join us. I’m leaning against the open bathroom door still wearing Carley’s shirt, catching a glimpse of her on the bed. Out of the corner of my right eye, I suddenly see Kasi, Tam and Stacy standing with their arms around each other. “I’m so happy to see you,” they sing in unison a capella style, the distinct beauty in each of their individual voices shining through with each note.

I look over to see Carley wiping away the tears streaming down her face as The Shindellas sing her favorite song, one they would often perform at Tiny Book Club. Sitting next to her is her husband Jon, who also has tears in his eyes. I look over at a tear-soaked Heather, my own eyes stinging as tears begin to form, allowing them to fall down my cheeks. The sheer sound of their voices created a ripple effect of emotion, transforming this sterile hospital room into an intimate performance space, recreating the peaceful spirit we’d feel hearing them sing this in the Hot Wiggle. It was a heart-swelling moment, as if we were all collectively saying goodbye to Carley through that song. I could feel the pure love in their voices, and it was in this moment that I realized this is how music is supposed to be. 

“Our 4-week stay at Alive Hospice was like a living memorial service. Hundreds of people came to spend as much time as they could with Carley. Music was a special part of this time. 14 of Carley’s frisbee girlfriends sang a custom song for her to the “Billie Jean” melody, a friend came to sing Beatles songs one night, 2 friends played their own song on different days, Claude Kelly & Chuck Harmony (Louis York) sang 2 songs, and The Shindellas sang 2 songs in our room. Each of these served as beautiful moments of joy for everyone there – something Carley would talk about over and over. Something we all needed and will never forget. She was a masterpiece.” – Jon Meade, Carley’s husband

Courtesy of Jon Meade

Had I not been a fan of Britney’s or met Claude and Chuck on that fateful night in Nashville, then perhaps I would have never ended up in that hospital room and experienced such a magical moment.

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Epilogue 

“l’m in love with the life I have built for myself !!! I should be, it’s fucking beautiful” – Britney Spears, 2023

Britney’s voice has followed me through many phases of life, setting off a chain reaction that’s connected me to many of the people who’ve helped me heal and become my true self. She was there during childhood as one of the first artists I looked up to. She was there when I was a timid high schooler, afraid to speak up. She was there throughout my college career, always lending a song for every mood. She was there when I moved alone to Nashville and was finding my way. And now she is here for me as I really use my voice for the first time. It took me 30 years and 100+ hours to write this and it’s clear now that I was waiting for Britney to free herself before I could do the same.

Though I’ve never met Britney Spears, what I’ve observed in her is a human being with a pure soul. I see it in her smile. I hear it in the gentle way she speaks and her infectious laugh. I see it when she’s onstage moving like lightning and then flashes her big, bright smile at the end of a flawless performance. I see it in her Instagram videos as she dances and twirls freely.

Britney’s proven that she will always have the ability to free herself using her own voice – and she’s shown me that we all have that power within us too.

I wouldn’t have been able to find my voice without the help of my family, friends who’ve become family, and dedicated mentors. The communities I’ve been a part of from my roots on Cape Cod that stretch all the way to Nashville and beyond are what have empowered me to realize this dream.

I’ve known for years that I’ve felt a strong connection to Britney Spears, but didn’t fully understand why. I now know that at the root of our bond is the unconditional love that I have not only for Britney, but the many people who’ve touched my life over these past 30 years. 

For like Britney, I finally feel free.

Courtesy of Britney Spears' Instagram

*Names have been changed for anonymity